Off to the Doctors

So today was blood test results....have been feeling tired and a bit dizzy lately so had an armful of blood removed last week...

Seems I am vitamin D deficient and have enough Cholesterol in my blood to furnish Huntley and Palmers biscuit factory for the next ten years.....not good.

Statins are the answer and oh yes....exercise and diet. Bugger.
Let me just finish these crisps and I will get my head around it.

At least my BMI is ok...no idea how...but I am not going to argue.

So there I was in the waiting room filled with people coughing and babies crying all watching the display to call our names and tell us what room number to go to...when I had a brainwave!!!

Why don't they organise it better?

Doors.

One door for each area of the body that has a problem...

Head  Neck  Chest  Belly  Naughty-bits   Bums   Thighs   Shins   Feet  Verruca's

We queue at that door and are called in one by one to see the specialist in that area...what could be simpler...maybe the NHS could be revolutionised?

Well...the Christmas holidays came and went without too much fuss. Family and friends and the Boxing Day quiz all made an appearance. So I know you are all worried about my bum problems...well to be honest things have settled down more or less...so thats a huge relief to Thames Water and the flood barrier in London.
Paul is not so good...and we have no idea whats going on...its either something major or strained and inflamed ribs....one end of the spectrum to the other...so thats been taking up most of our time of late.

We saw Gravity (film) and loved it...although I am far from a fan of Sandras Bullocks she did quite a good job seeing that she was the only person in the film for 90% of it. The effects were amazing and it was visually stunning....worth the Oscar nominations I think.  I did manage to find a pre release rush of Sandras Bullocks and how she looked in her first spacesuit...I think its an improvement.

Iam dedicating this new post to Dan and Julia and a happy 1 year together...so you see this is all their fault.

Its been a long time

Wow where did all that time go?
I have not posted for ages and will rectify that asap.
A lot has happened...well not a lot but a few things..
Marriage, another imported cat, more arse problems and endless crap telly.

Keep watching......

TV Guide

Well I dont know but I think I am going mad. Whats going on in TV land?

 Maybe its an age thing, but TV seems to have slipped into the realms of utter shite.

Now I cant say that I have a regular TV diet and Paul likes his 'continuing dramas' and everyone knows I only have the tv on for the weather and Countryfile.

We watched some ridiculous shite called Mount Pleasant that baffled me as to who it was appealing to apart from those that wanted to see how old Pauline Collins looks.."oooh remember her from Upstairs Downstairs...fuck she looks knackered!"

Then there is Eastenders...bloody hell...David Essex....who taught him to act...his style consists of a low growl and speaking slowly...shit he should have stuck to Silver Dream Racer and looking like a bloody Gypsy. Poor Julia Smith must be turning in her grave - bring back Michelle and Sharon thats what I say...nothing has been the same since Roly died and Angie walked out on Den.

We also have to watch Coronation Street.

Now that has more of a pedigree and had some amazing characters ...Elsie, Minne Caldwell, Ena Sharples and Len Fairclough with his little finger stuffed where is shouldn't have been..and I dont mean up his hooter. Martha Longhurst and Albert Tatlock...all in glorious black n white - Granada - From The North.



Whats all this stuff after the soap has finished too? "If you have been affected by the story in tonights episode..."   Fucking hell....how stupid is that?

Jeez ITS A SOAP!!!

I am more affected by the ruddy crap story and acting than anything else...

Where o where is Annie Sugden when you need her?

Mind Your Language

Well everyone knows how incredibly hard I work and so it may come as a shock that I managed to squeeze in a conversation with my Turkish friend Ali. He was giving me a lesson in how to chat up women (!) in his native tongue and not wanting to be rude I listened intently....

So here is what you do....when you see a nice young lady that you want to impress in Turkey you can use the time old work "Munara" that will really impress her as it means you are a lovely woman....you can then follow up with "Malaka" which is term of endearment...and if you really want to get into her Turkish gusset you can use the word "Kavurakyas" (pronounced 'cover -upyer -arse')....

Now in this age of forward thinking you would think that would be very good and within minutes the young lady would be introducing you her grandfather and the town rapist....BUT..BEWARE....

Apparently the word Munara can mean you have a large pussie...Malaka can mean Wanker and Kavurakyas can mean you are a stroppy git....so you are really saying your a stroppy bitch and a wanker with a pussie the size of the Empire State building.....aint foreign languages wonderful.

Why we dont all speak English I will never know...all the other languages cant really be proper words can they...they dont sound right, I am sure foreigners do it just to show off and make us feel small.

They should remember who had an Empire.....oh and we had a Gaumont and an Odeon too I think?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UlFu6668DCc&NR=1

Sticky Carpet

It was Saturday night and we decided to hit the town...well Houslow to be exact...not much of a town and not a place to be walking around without half a dozen Pitt Bull dogs with you...that said we all headed to a hostillery that served delicious home made ale and was promising some top notch entertainment of the gay kind.

The journey there was full of excitement and eager banter, we were out to have a good time..what fun!

Well......

The public house was dark and forboding...in the car park stood a team of what we call....scrubbers...was this the right place?

Anyhow we all entered and pushed our lithe gay bodies through the smell of chip fat into the main bar...was this the main bar or a waiting room at a local asylum?

I dont think I have ever been anywhere so repulsive...the place was described as 'friendly'...ye Gods it would have been more friendly if Atilla the Hun was behind the bar, assisted by the lovely Myra Hindley (Myra...thats a name you dont hear much these days)

Now on the floor was a lovely Axminster which I should think was laid down in....say...1955?
As we stood and ordered our gay refreshements we physically STUCK to the carpet...I mean...really STUCK.

In the back of the pub some scrubbers were getting ready to party as the DJ cranked up the gramaphone and the local punters stared at us in envy as we seemed to have all the right number of chromozones....and they needed some more for themselves.

We finished our delightful drinks and prized our feet from the Axminster and squelched to the door...where they had a machine that you could log a hate crime on....fuck they should have had a machine that connected you to the bloody Samaritans or better still Molly Maids.

Whats going on? Is this what passes for a suburban Gay pub these days....I might write to Peter Tatchell as this needs to be flagged up to Amnesty International STAT!

Well we moved on and found a much nicer place where we had some Ovaltines and enjoyed the rest of the evening despite being harrased by a couple who were intent on destroying what was left of their livers before going home to Wandsworth.

Houslow....never again.

and here is the news...

Ok so there I am driving to work listening to jolly old radio 2.
That speaks a volume in itself right?

On comes the news and there is Moira Stewart...now I dont have anything against dear Moira but you would think she was the Virgin Mary the way Mr Chris Evans bigs her up...anyhow...
Moira has the news.

Gadaffi on the run (wasn't he in Lord Of The Rings?)

Economy in ruins...they should see my legs

Courgette that looks like Mother Teresa..now thats interesting..

Then we get the 'coulds' and the 'Mights'

"Experts have said that it Could be dangerous to drink a gallon of bleach"

"Surveys have found that most people think breathing might be good for them"

" Evidence published shows that standing in a bucket of water and stuffing your fingers in a 13 amp socket might kill you"

What tha hell is going on...do we need these experts telling us the bleeding obvious...and whats more the politicians telling what MIGHT happen if we dont vote for them...and who are these Experts?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFUfTgTG0xMAnyhow I listened to this stuff as Moira did her best to sound serious on a slow news day and then Chris played a Spanish version of Mamma Mia...and all was right with the world...my my here I go again...